It is 2:38 am and I lay wide awake with thoughts sprinting across my mind. I don’t know if it’s the double shot espresso I had at 4 pm last afternoon, or if it’s the lack of control I now suddenly feel. Perhaps being on the second day of my mensuration cycle would have something to do with this too, but damn it, I hate attributing my inconsolable state to hormones, for if that’s all this is, then it’s a matter of a waiting till I come afloat rather than having a valid source to address and mend… right here, right now.
Overwhelmed is an understatement. Without disclosing too much, I must preface this by saying my dear companion is incredibly supportive. However, I still lay awake at what is now 2:41 am, overthinking it all, and frustrated with the fact that I can’t appease everyone in the process of this very particular journey.
I hope to look back in some years with the wisdom and newfound ability to better compartmentalize my emotions…to not take the visions of others so personally at the expense of how I want this carried through.
What is to be done when one party says this is how it must be done whilst the other says that’s not how they know it to be done?
What is to be done when the resolve you and your companion devise puts more responsibility on the both of you when beforehand you entrusted your mom to do the timely matters on your behalf?
What is to be done when you contemplate ivy garlands, songs for the playlist and questions to ask the man in charge of staging decor all in the span of 5 minutes like a madwoman?
What is to be done so that I no longer lay awake, at what is now 2:53 am.
Sometimes I share too much, and sometimes I don’t share enough.
Rather than worry yourself over the source of stress I vaguely allude to, just know that none of us have it perfectly together. We just make it work.
2:57 am. Good night?
Realistically speaking, these things are never easy, but they’re worth it in the end. I am grateful. In me, there is love.